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Employment Vacancy Descriptions Are Not Written to Hire Human Beings - Companies Are Dreaming To Hire Super-Human Sherpas.
If companies are serious about hiring the right talent, based on their unique individual need, then they first need to fire those who write their “job” descriptions.
If companies are serious about hiring the right talent, based on their unique individual need, then they first need to fire those who write their “job” descriptions. Otherwise, they have no hope of attracting or retaining dedicated talent, that grows with the company, like a strong-standing tree.
What's Up with the strange "job" Description Jargon”?
In the twisted realm of corporate absurdity, where logic goes to take a permanent vacation and common sense is a long-forgotten legend, lies the baffling world of employment vacancy descriptions.
Those captivating pieces of prose that promise “job” seekers the moon, the stars, and maybe even a cosmic donut if they're spontaneous.
But let's peel back the curtain, shall we?
Those “job” postings aren't designed to attract mere mortals; no, they're a siren call to summon the mythical super-human Sherpas from the rugged Himalayan mountains of the “job” market.
Are These Companies and their HR Serious?
It is kind of funny that time after time companies continue to have hundreds of vacancies. That’s a shame. Is that by design? Advertising vacancies doesn’t mean they will open up or not in that company. When I worked for the U.S. federal government or in the private sector many times vacancies were advertised and closed without being filled.
When perusing a “job” posting, one might expect to find a list of qualifications that match the “job” requirements. However, in the whimsical land of corporate impulse, the qualifications seem to be compiled by a team of extraterrestrial interns on a caffeine-fueled bender. I know there’s a lot of coffee involved here. I cut down so much since leaving the 24/7 work-horse that it’s not even funny.
"Must have 10 years of experience in a technology that was invented last week" – because clearly, time travel is a prerequisite here, and you're expected to have collaborated with H.G. Wells, Einstein, or Nikola Tesla. No wonder many avoid working with most of the companies of today and have gone independent.
“Detailed Oriented Multi-Tasker”. And Then He Died There.
Oh, and don't forget the demand for a "detail-oriented multitasker with the ability to bend space and time while juggling flaming bowling pins."
Because in the world of modern employment, having a mere mortal's grasp of time and the credentials to prove its worth isn't nearly as impressive as being able to fold it into an origami swan.
“We are looking for an Aero-Space background” but we accept “Empty as A Void Communication Skills”
But wait, it gets better.
These “job” postings also demand "excellent communication skills, including the ability to speak at least seven languages, two of which should be extinct."
Evidently, the ideal candidate should not only be a master linguist but also a time-traveling polyglot capable of deciphering ancient hieroglyphics over morning coffee, independently or with a dedicated team.
Multitasker Needed. Must Have Everything. Entry Level Position. We Hope You Finished The Phd.
And let's not overlook the infamous "entry-level position requiring 5 years of experience."
Clearly, in this alternate reality, "entry-level" refers to entering the job market after completing a mandatory stint as an international spy, and moonlighting as a Nobel laureate on weekends.
But the pièce de résistance of “job” descriptions is the notorious demand for "a passion for the company's mission."
Now, don't misunderstand – passion is an admirable thing. However, implying that one should be more dedicated to the company's purpose than a squirrel to acorn hoarding is a touch excessive.
We Want - Synergy - Energy - Caffeine - Ya - Then It Ended With A Loud Fart
Evidently, companies are seeking employees who dream of the company's mission in technicolor, who compose sonnets to its logo, and who, in their spare time, pen odes or make social media posts to synergy.
And speaking of synergy, one cannot forget the section of the “job” posting that outlines the "dynamic and collaborative work environment."
This translates to a 24/7 virtual sweat lodge where employees bond over PowerPoint presentations and engage in interpretive dance while discussing quarterly reports. Forget water cooler chats; it's all about the “fire pit” brainstorm sessions now where the brains can actually be burned.
A Psychological Manipulation of Words?
The “job” descriptions also manage to sneak in a dash of psychological manipulation.
"We're looking for a self-starter who thrives in a high-pressure environment."
Translation: Get ready to be micromanaged while juggling flaming chainsaws and simultaneously solving the convoluted question of global warming.
Your reward? The satisfaction of knowing that the C-suite is comfortably sipping champagne as they watch you contort through hoops.
The Elephant In The Room
Now, let's address the giant elephant in the room – the "competitive salary."
This is code for "We pay slightly above the national minimum wage, but don't worry, the exposure you'll receive is worth its weight in gold!"
It's a well-known fact that exposure is the modern equivalent of virtual sustenance that seems like food but doesn't fill the belly. You might not be able to buy groceries with it, but you can definitely brag about it on Instagram.
Smile now - Selfie time!
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Flexible - Like A Gymnast on Overdrive on a thin red line
But the real kicker, the coup de grâce of “job” postings, is the demand for "flexibility."
Ahh… Yes! That wondrous trait that every employer seeks –
Not just any flexibility, but the kind that makes Gumby look like a rigid statue. They want employees who can bend time, space, and their own genetic makeup to accommodate the whims of the company's executive team.
“Did you see that Jr.? I like this candidate, because he responded to my orders quickly”.
“Every Subpar C-Suite Employer Wants A Super-Human A-Grade Employee”. Right. Keep Looking.
The grand tapestry of employment vacancy descriptions, lumped with trivia that doesn't exist and then thrown at people who don't live on this earth, is a masterpiece of satire, a symphony of absurdity that speaks to the corporate world's desire for super-human Sherpas to navigate the ever-expanding landscape of unattainable expectations.
These “job” postings aren't seeking humans; they're on a quest for beings who can simultaneously excel in every domain, master skills that haven't been invented yet, and sip on the nectar of passion as if it were the elixir of eternal life while standing upside down for 8 hours without a break.
Isn't it strange, that while you seek work opportunities, you forget the fact that the name of a Messenger of God is being manipulated?
Clearly, the Christians and the so-called Muslims and the Jews know about the actual Job, or in Arabic Ayub, he was a Messenger of the God, but instead of listening and obeying what Job was saying about God in His Books, now people are lost looking for “jobs” and surrendering to fake gods.
Revolution of Realism In Hiring Talent
So, if you're a “job” seeker who doesn't fit the criteria of a super-human Sherpa, fear not. You're in the company of millions who share your mortal status.
It's time for a revolution of realism, for “job” postings that recognize the value of actual humans – potential, quirks, limitations, and all.
Until then, keep honing those time-bending skills, perfect your ancient language translation abilities, and practice your interpretive dance routine for the inevitable fire pit brainstorm session. Your future employer is waiting – just as soon as they locate that elusive unicorn ranch for their new headquarters.
Nepotism And Favoritism Killed the Ingenuity, the Company and the Brand
Hiring people who look like you, sound like you, or resemble the family members that you grew up with, is a recipe for an organizational disaster that’s just waiting to unload.
America did not thrive because of just one kind of people, many different kinds contributed to its development for hundreds of years. But I guess, companies don’t want to be like America anymore. You build people and lift them up not undercut or discourage them.
If you find that your company keeps getting talent that sucks and the good ones don’t stay, then now you know, where the problem is.
| Imran Siddiqui is the managing editor at Justice News and the author of The JBlog. Imran's podcast FairPlay Challenging Wrongful Convictions airs on J107 Justice Radio. Imran also writes Intersections at Global Crossover and GameOver.News. Imran’s book series - Injustice Inc. - Is available on Amazon in Kindle and Paperback.